The last week of Mom’s life was filled with some of the most precious moments that I hold on to today and some of the worst moments. As a person gets closer to death, that time with them becomes sacred. This time with Mom gave me the chance to make some incredible memories  and it gave me the opportunity to get a glimpse of Heaven through what Mom was experiencing. 

It appeared that in Mom’s last week of life she suffered a stroke. My sister, brother, and I took turns staying with her around the clock. I experienced some incredibly memorable moments with her during this time. She would often just lay looking upward and reaching upward. She was on liquid pain medicine but I believe she was seeing things that were beyond this world. She always looked at peace and at times would smile. I believe she was experiencing something Heavenly. 

A few days before Mom passed, she was restless and I was sitting holding her. I had my legs around her and she was leaning against my chest. Suddenly she said “Momma, Daddy!” I said “do you see Momma and Daddy?” She said “yes”. I asked her “what are they doing?” She didn’t say anything else but was very much at peace. I have no doubt that she was getting a glimpse of Heaven that day.

Just a couple days before she passed, I was sitting on the edge of her bed talking to her. She started caressing my cheek telling me how precious I was and how much she loved me. It was such a special time with her that I will cherish forever. 

My brother, sister, and I had been staying around the clock with Mom this last week. We would take shifts so we each would stay every 3rd night. Mom had not been eating and drinking and we knew the time was drawing near. Being a nurse, I also knew that it can take weeks before a patient passes after they stop eating and drinking. My children were about to start a new school in a week and they still needed uniforms. We decided to hire a sitter to stay with Mom overnight  so that I could get the children ready for school.This ended up being the decision I would regret for the rest of my life. 

The next morning I got to the facility early to relieve the sitter. I had not slept well and just felt restless. When I walked into the facility I saw Mom’s nurse in the lobby and she told me Mom had a good night and had slept well. When I walked into Mom’s room, I found the sitter asleep in a chair. I immediately realized that Mom was having labored breathing. I went to Mom and asked her if she was hurting. With her eyes hazy and empty, she looked up at me and desperately said “uh huh”. I leaned down and kissed her and said “Mom I am so sorry”. I then realized she was burning up with fever. I knew at that moment she had not been sleeping all night but she was actively dying. My sister, brother, and I gathered at her bedside to be with her and make sure she did not go without pain medicine. She passed later that afternoon. 

I was at peace knowing Mom was with Jesus and was no longer suffering. I struggled greatly because of what happened on the last day of her life. You hear people tell stories about their last interaction with their loved one and how special it was, what their loved one said to them. My last interaction with Mom was horrible and the look in her eyes still haunts me to this day. How I would love to be able to go back and change the last day but I can not. For months after, I questioned the Lord why this had to happen and tried desperately to make sense of it all. Mom was a good person yet she suffered a terrible death. I had tried so hard the past five years to take good care of her yet the Lord let this happen. There is purpose in all suffering and it was a process but this is what I believe to be true today. 

The greatest person to walk this earth was perfect yet suffered the most horrendous death ever. Jesus’ purpose for His suffering was so we can live eternally with our Heavenly Father. The Lord loves us so much that He let His own son suffer greatly.  If Jesus suffered a horrific death when He is the only one that is good then we can also suffer a horrible death. No matter how horrible our death, it will never compare to Jesus’ death on the Cross. 

I do not know just how great Mom’s suffering was but I know the Lord was with her during that time. He could comfort her more than I ever could have even if I had been there. As I struggled after her death, one comfort to me was that Mom was rejoicing with the Lord now. She was not re-living the pain and suffering from that night. That night was no longer a part of her memory. I also knew that she would not want me to continue to torture myself.

I have always struggled with trying to control situations. I know the Lord is ultimately in control. I felt I was prayerfully making the right decisions with Mom so how did the Lord let this happen. I struggled with this for months but this is what I do know. There is a greater purpose in our trials in life and He is always with us. He is with us in the good and the bad. He will sustain us when we feel we can not carry on. 

I would lay down at night to go to sleep and the visions of her that morning would pop in my head and I would start to relive the regret of not being there with Mom. The greatest thing that got me through this season was I would cry out to Jesus with the three most powerful words, “Jesus help me”. This would instantly turn my focus  from the horrors of that morning instantly to Jesus. This happened every time. I would fall asleep focused on Jesus. After several months, the visions stopped and today I have mostly good memories. 

If you are living with a burden that seems too great to bear, I encourage you to cry out to Jesus with the words “Jesus help me”. He is always with us, He loves us, and He can comfort us in our times of need. 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3